Inferiority Complex.

Honestly I didn’t know of this phrase before 17.
I didn’t even know the idea of it.

When I first read the phrase, it struck me like a lightning and I went:
” Ohhhhhhhhhhh “.
Then I realize what is wrong with me all this while.
I feel inferior.

To ?
Almost anything I can think about. Or you can think about.
I just didn’t think about it, so I didn’t know why I was like that.

People that know me will be confused, well even I don’t understand, because
I just seem to be such a confident person. (Not self-praising ok!)
How can someone with such thick skin feel inferior.
But then I realize I’ve been pulling confidence off with courage.

That’s why I’m so competitive.
I am constantly finding things to prove myself, my opinions or, my actions.
I need people’s approvals, I need to know I am doing it right and doing it well.
I need constant praises and reassurances.
When I don’t get a certain standard I set for myself or I met someone who is really
good in something. I don’t go all depressed and give up, depressed a little maybe,
but I’ll just try extra hard again and again and again and again until I can’t.
Funny I’m still near no-where.
I can’t study well. I don’t look pretty enough to cover up for my bad grades.
My figure isn’t good enough to cover for my not good enough looks.
I’m not rich enough to cover for all of the above. Nor am I good in any particular
sports, or play any musical instrument at all. I can go on and on.
Luckily, I have a rather strong mental health keeping me from depression.

The thing is I often for 2 response if I meet some high achievers or someone
really “up-there”.
1. Envy.
   – “Damn she’s SO good looking. Why are some people blessed with such good looks.”
2. Starstruck (?) and evny of course.
   – ” OMG ! You’re from xxxx ?! Omg ?! You play the organ ?!” ” OMG?! OMG?!”

I mean, how can anybody – ?!

Don’t worry. 

I think this inferiority thingy is also one thing that trained me to not give a fuck.
I mean I’m a pro at that.
Wait or maybe that’s from understanding other’s thinking process thus letting me understand them
more.

Uh whatever.

;that’s why I try so hard.

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